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I'm going to do this. I've just had a bad start. A poorly chosen strategy. I have to step back and rethink what to do.As I wandered through the house, I noticed the door to his study was open and he was no longer there. I tried the living room and then the kitchen, but he was nowhere to be found. I looked in the hall closet and noticed his windbreaker was missing. He had left. Where had he gone? Would he be back tonight? I could feel the fear in my stomach. This was turning into a nightmare.I poured myself and strong gin and tonic and continued to pace through the house. Howard didn't have a cell phone, so there was no way to call him. Would he answer even if he could? I need a way out of this mess. I have to make him forget about my stupid outburst. Repairing the damage was going to be a long, slow process. It was essential that I make it right with him.I looked at the clock for the hundredth time. It was 10:30 pm and still no sign of Howard. It was dark outside and I had no idea. It was petty, but I wanted to think that he would regret his lost chance. I walked out, not feeling triumphant, but sad. I got him to notice me, but now I wouldn't get more looks from him. A lot of what if's went through my mind; a relationship, bondage, letting myself be me, to spend nights in someone else's bondage, not my own.I was confusing myself. Angry with him, wanting him to fuck off. Enjoying the voice of command. Hating his assumptions of me and what I want. The boots, his boots. Not wanting to give him the satisfaction. Wanting to be noticed by him. Wanting him to leave me alone. Desiring his full attention to me. I was numb with confusion.I walked out into the sunlight, turned right. I walked towards the center of Fell's Point. I crossed Broadway, into the public square, past the lemonade stand. I stopped and looked at the harbor. I crossed the cobblestone street and walked towards the pier, I stopped to look at the old Homicide building. I felt my phone buzz.“Don't hang.
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